This "Mr. Big" could stand for biggest asshole

I will not say all, but most girls have this SATC fantasy of meeting Mr. Big. He's a little older, very handsome, powerful & successful. Sounds like Prince Charming, sweep the free-spirited Carrie away and building her a dream closet in their penthouse apartment in the city... Now, the one part that everyone leaves out of this story is that Mr. Big is a finance guy and being so, he could have certain characteristics. One of those characteristics is a very high level of testosterone and most likely a very small conscience, if that. He was probably quite aggressive and maybe a bit selfish...and slightly unattainable, always slipping through her fingers just a little bit...and very tough to hold on to. Low and behold, Big is a character and a good one, so we did get our happy ending. Now, me on the other hand, I met a real-life charicature of who I thought could be a "Big" but with the qualities of someone Charlotte would have dated somewhere along the way and discarded immediately. He is good looking, established, wanting to get married, ect... So what's the problem? He's sexually agressive! He doesn't know how to take no for an answer, in sex or otherwise. Possibly he is so accustomed to getting what he wants that he doesn't know how to handle someone saying no at that very moment. Does that make it right or ok to attempt to keep pushing a woman into doing something with her body before she is ready? I find that to be one of the most disrespectful things a man can do. Furthermore, I think it illustrates the amount of respect he has for that woman in its entirity. For me, that's a dealbreaker. The thing that is hard about it is that otherwise, it seemed that it had a good potential to be there for me on all the other levels. I know I need to be with someone who is understanding and who has a good, giving heart and soul, much like my own...but maybe someone who will continue to foster that growth in me. So, lesson learned, every guy is different but I do wonder, can I be with someone powerful who will also respect my body and my choices...or are those two qualities mutually exclusive. I don't think they are. If a guy is into you for the right reasons, he'll wait till you're both ready.

What I Learned From You

I tend to look at dating as a learning experience, there is always a take away, something you keep with you for the next. However, when it comes to failed relationships, it's sometimes harder to see that take away because there is more at stake. When the haze of emotions finally starts to clear, I tend to these lessons.

In my last "relationship", if you could call it that (only 3 months - of which I didn't consider us to be in one for most of it), I take this away from it:

1. Dating really is a bit of a game but relationships shouldn't be. I knew this before, but it was reinforced now.

2. Don't fear asking the questions that matter. Only you are to blame for not asking them or confronting things.

3. If he shy's away from questions, don't fear being the nag, keep asking. If you have to feel naggy, he's probably hiding something and better to know then & follow your instinct than to prolong it.

4. Communication is paramount.

5. Intellectual compatibility to an extent, so necessary. Don't settle. And don't let yourself be smarter.

6. Don't allow a person liking you be the reason you like them. Don't. Make sure you like them on their own first, then decide whether or not to accept the advances...

7. (This is one I'm going to have to work on) Don't let the actions of one person, things you could not control, create a fear in you about what others will do to you. You can't always have perfect intuition, but trust that this happened for a reason, to teach me something about my own intuition and prepare me for the right thing. Remember that these are the actions of him, not something that I did. Anyone can wrong you but it doesn't change who you are or what you do, even if it's somewhat scary. I am honing my skills and love is about faith. We place our bets, but if we're scared from the action of one person, one screwed up person that I only knew for 3 months and had a feeling about anyway - he practically gave me the answer but I doubted myself. I have learned not to doubt myself as much anymore. I will ask myself that questions but I will have more faith in my own answers. But, I will still be open. I will open up again and I will love, but I will love fully. I'm more hurt because I considered him and his feelings but I felt very unconsidered in the end. Especially, when he slept with me. But that was douchy on his end...little does he know what I did...still doesn't make it better though. I'm mad that he slept with me and might have known it was over. I'm mad that he lied to me the whole time. I'm definitely not happy with his decisions, but they were his and he gets to own them. And, at the end of the day, he hurt me by making them, but they were his...and someone else could make them again and I could be none the wiser and that's scary. It's scary that there are people out there who can do that. But! I think I will know better and I might be a little more guarded now, but I'm going to work really hard not to be. Really hard. I'm going to try to get answers and put him in his little box, tuck him away and throw away the key. This week.

8.

Patterns -- Mine is definitely argyle

So, I see the pattern...

Whenever things start feeling out of my hands...I do the escape thing. I immerse myself in something ridiculous...a fantasy of sorts. Something to excite me; to take me out of here. Like Hawaii perhaps. Haha. What a joke...or is it? Could one of my friends be right...go out there, experience it...it is a once in a lifetime thing. She jetted to Isreal only to be greeted with a guy who already has a girlfriend, but was happy to sleep with my friend as well while she was there but the girlfriend wasn't. In my book, that is not a good guy make, nor would I have slept with him. But, as a friend, I am witholding that type of judgement upon her...But, for reasons purely relating to me...I am saying, she took a risk...it wasn't all about him and it didn't work out with him. But, she will never have to ask "what if"...she will never say to herself...I didn't take this path so I really don't know if it would have led somewhere beautiful or if it would be a dead end. Dead ends are ok... What isn't ok is not exploring...right? (By the way, I am going to stand in her wedding this January).

I am supposed to be in this place in my life where I am experimenting and "figuring things out"...but I will not be figuring them outby sitting around. Yes, a lot of reflection about myself is needed...and desired to move forward. But, the other necessary component is to LIVE. To make utter mistakes...to make life-altering, be it slight or incredible, decisions.

So, throughout this maze I might not always see the end or know exactly what pattern there is but taking comfort in knowing one exists. Furthermore, it will make a beautiful story that will one day be known as my life...

I can't wait to see how it turns out.

Ashes, Ashes, We All Fall Down...

Or do we?

I've heard the adage that you have to hit rock bottom to really make changes...but is it possible that this is just a consistent cycle of highs and lows? A roller-coaster of madness met by serenity and just when things get good, throw a wrench into the mix and see what we can "unhinge"...but just a little bit.

This is the thing, everything is moving so fast. Time doesn't stop for anyone. It doesn't stop because you get sick or because you had a bad day. But the key is to not race against the clock...you won't win...no one will. The clock doesn't need sleep and it will absolutely outlive you. Instead, allign yourself with it, use it as an allie.

Don't wait, it is so important, and guess what, often times,the first inclination you get is the correct one. It is so uncommon that your intuition will fail you. Not to say that you shouldn't think things through, because you absolutely should, but if something in your gut is telling you no, listen to it because it's usually not wrong. Sometimes we need out heads to catch up with our emotions, it's like a checks and balances system to get the two of them to agree. But, when it does, it's bliss. No matter how short or long lived :)

I'm Rubber, You're Glue ... Plus, I can afford a little

Toxic People...

There are people in this world who will always see the negative in things, believe that "big brother" is watching us and live their lives without trying to excel at what they're doing. I used to think I could fix these people, but the truth is that only they can fix themselves and they will poison your outlook if you let them.

So, what do you do when you are forced to be around that paranoid co-worker or severely negative friend? Constantly remind yourself that they are wrong...don't connect with them, avoid the temptation to get sucked into the black hole of misery they are currently swimming through. People who tend to do that have a very hard time accepting their own truth, be it that they're not trying or that they are not motivated, whatever the case may be...it is just unhealthy...and will penetrate you if you allow it.

My solution...use a layer of human Teflon...

We all have to encounter these people in our daily lives at times and although avoidance is the first line of defense, the second is just remembering who they are and that it is better to be on your own than to connect with someone bad for you.

It is better to feel what is going on inside of you and to handle those feelings as they come...don't let them accumulate. Always operate with the knowledge that you have certain choices and can actually change your situation. There is always a choice, even if it's not the optimal, amazing one you conjured in your head. Just the knowledge that you have a choice provides solace.

Men are Like Babies

Men are like babies. They are always looking for the next best toy (AKA woman). Most men have the attention span the size of pea. A man will blurt out comments that are offensive and you will have to be the one to tell him to "be quiet". Like we want to hear that the girl on the street is fuckable--hello! You will inevitably need to tell your man at some point or another to take a shower because he stinks, pick out his clothes for him, and ask him more than once to pick his shit up off the floor--ok...now this is 5 year old territory.

Now, when you first meet your Don Juan, things aren't necessarily going be like this, but just wait till he gets you in the sack and gets comfortable...then it's all downhill. As a woman, you'd think, "well, this is a new step in our relationship and it will bring us closer"--if nothing else, we should be treated better than before, because now we're more intimate. Men think, OK, Game Over! I conquered all those boards...Is there a new game coming out soon? I'll keep my eye out. Even if your man is still content in limelight of the game he has already won then he's probably doing the bare minimum to maintain his constant goal of getting laid. Men at this stage usually become complacent at the risk of confrontation, they would rather just say OK, whatever you want. This preconventional thinking of going with whatever your partner wants by Freud's psychosocial stages of development as that of a child who is 1-5 years old. Furthermore, how are you supposed to get to know your partner's likes, dislikes, and how to make them mesh with your own if they are constantly being passive about it. Then, inevitable that passiveness turns to aggression and there is always a blowout
about why this and why that...ummmm, hello you said you were fine with it at the time. Now, 2 days later you will bring it up like I shot your dog Spot and watched him convulse until he died. Women aren't clairvoyant either and we certainly do not want to be your mothers predicting every move for you. Eventually, we will want to do that omeday for a "real child"--u had your shot...lol. That is if we can find a real man to have one with. But what is a "real" man and do they truly exist?

There are definitely men who will take responsibility for their children when needed, ect. but what about the not so conventional things that relationships need? I think that's the true measure of a man--one who does a lot more than the bare minimum and for no-one else's approval but his own. The man who takes the time to really know his woman and connect on greater levels. Are some guys just truly not into that?

I think for some guys, they are just not ready yet at my age, which is 23. But what concerns me is that some guys will never be ready--it looks like at least more than 1/2 won't be...and I'm just going by divorce statistics. Now, couple those statistics with those people who are religious and don't believe in divorces--let's say that accounts for 15 f married couples who may or may not be happy. That tips the scale just enough to be concerned that now more than 1/2 of married couples either end in divorce or stay together for religious reasons, but are not necessarily happy. That's food for thought. Is God playing a cruel trick on us by putting what we want so close to us and then saying, ummm sorry...there are some gender differences that will not let you have the bond you've always dreamed of.

A lot of pro's blame gender differences as the reason for this enormous conflict of interests between men and women--should we all stay within the same sex, then would we have happier lives? Lol...probably not...mostly because then we'd become extinct as a population plus the church frowns upon it and there are too many churchgoers in America (case in point--Bush got re-elected). Darwin must be laughing so hard--we are definitely not always attracted to what is good for us. Then again if we would go out
with that guy who would treat us like a queen eventually I'm sure he'd change too, because then he'd get more self-esteem, ect. and develop player/normal man ways...lol.

I know I'm being cynical, but can you blame me?

Love OR

It seems like the unbeggable question -- is it just lust or is it love...the real thing.... And, why can't it be both?

Do we, as people, even have the ability to determine that before it's too late...meaning before someone falls down into a hole so deep that they can't see to the top when they need to?

And, furthermore, if it's love, does that mean that it's good for us? Maybe? Maybe not?

Even when you know that something isn't right for you, you can still want a part of it.

I think we can look at difficult things in two ways: as punishments or obstacles to overcome. This experience has tested my beliefs and I found things in myself that I am so very proud of and some that I'm not. But, I have the knowledge and the desire to change the bad things I find. I am proud of myself. I think I am beautiful and not in a cocky way, but in a truly authentic and worthy way.

I am worth the right person's pursuit...I am worth being treated with a gentle hand and for someone to try to give me it all. Because, at the end of the day, that's all we all really want to do...give it all to someone or those select few that truly deserve it.

Anyone who is too scared to pursue it or who just doesn't isn't worth it to me...

So, yes at the end of the day, I know that love requires patience, it require work...it requires letting go of your fears. And, moreover, it requires going "all in".