Tuesday, September 4, 2012
This "Mr. Big" could stand for biggest asshole
I will not say all, but most girls have this SATC fantasy of meeting Mr. Big. He's a little older, very handsome, powerful & successful. Sounds like Prince Charming, sweep the free-spirited Carrie away and building her a dream closet in their penthouse apartment in the city...
Now, the one part that everyone leaves out of this story is that Mr. Big is a finance guy and being so, he could have certain characteristics. One of those characteristics is a very high level of testosterone and most likely a very small conscience, if that. He was probably quite aggressive and maybe a bit selfish...and slightly unattainable, always slipping through her fingers just a little bit...and very tough to hold on to. Low and behold, Big is a character and a good one, so we did get our happy ending.
Now, me on the other hand, I met a real-life charicature of who I thought could be a "Big" but with the qualities of someone Charlotte would have dated somewhere along the way and discarded immediately. He is good looking, established, wanting to get married, ect... So what's the problem? He's sexually agressive! He doesn't know how to take no for an answer, in sex or otherwise. Possibly he is so accustomed to getting what he wants that he doesn't know how to handle someone saying no at that very moment. Does that make it right or ok to attempt to keep pushing a woman into doing something with her body before she is ready? I find that to be one of the most disrespectful things a man can do. Furthermore, I think it illustrates the amount of respect he has for that woman in its entirity. For me, that's a dealbreaker.
The thing that is hard about it is that otherwise, it seemed that it had a good potential to be there for me on all the other levels. I know I need to be with someone who is understanding and who has a good, giving heart and soul, much like my own...but maybe someone who will continue to foster that growth in me.
So, lesson learned, every guy is different but I do wonder, can I be with someone powerful who will also respect my body and my choices...or are those two qualities mutually exclusive. I don't think they are. If a guy is into you for the right reasons, he'll wait till you're both ready.
Sunday, March 11, 2012
What I Learned From You
I tend to look at dating as a learning experience, there is always a take away, something you keep with you for the next. However, when it comes to failed relationships, it's sometimes harder to see that take away because there is more at stake. When the haze of emotions finally starts to clear, I tend to these lessons.
In my last "relationship", if you could call it that (only 3 months - of which I didn't consider us to be in one for most of it), I take this away from it:
1. Dating really is a bit of a game but relationships shouldn't be. I knew this before, but it was reinforced now.
2. Don't fear asking the questions that matter. Only you are to blame for not asking them or confronting things.
3. If he shy's away from questions, don't fear being the nag, keep asking. If you have to feel naggy, he's probably hiding something and better to know then & follow your instinct than to prolong it.
4. Communication is paramount.
5. Intellectual compatibility to an extent, so necessary. Don't settle. And don't let yourself be smarter.
6. Don't allow a person liking you be the reason you like them. Don't. Make sure you like them on their own first, then decide whether or not to accept the advances...
7. (This is one I'm going to have to work on) Don't let the actions of one person, things you could not control, create a fear in you about what others will do to you. You can't always have perfect intuition, but trust that this happened for a reason, to teach me something about my own intuition and prepare me for the right thing. Remember that these are the actions of him, not something that I did. Anyone can wrong you but it doesn't change who you are or what you do, even if it's somewhat scary. I am honing my skills and love is about faith. We place our bets, but if we're scared from the action of one person, one screwed up person that I only knew for 3 months and had a feeling about anyway - he practically gave me the answer but I doubted myself. I have learned not to doubt myself as much anymore. I will ask myself that questions but I will have more faith in my own answers. But, I will still be open. I will open up again and I will love, but I will love fully. I'm more hurt because I considered him and his feelings but I felt very unconsidered in the end. Especially, when he slept with me. But that was douchy on his end...little does he know what I did...still doesn't make it better though. I'm mad that he slept with me and might have known it was over. I'm mad that he lied to me the whole time. I'm definitely not happy with his decisions, but they were his and he gets to own them. And, at the end of the day, he hurt me by making them, but they were his...and someone else could make them again and I could be none the wiser and that's scary. It's scary that there are people out there who can do that. But! I think I will know better and I might be a little more guarded now, but I'm going to work really hard not to be. Really hard. I'm going to try to get answers and put him in his little box, tuck him away and throw away the key. This week.
8.
In my last "relationship", if you could call it that (only 3 months - of which I didn't consider us to be in one for most of it), I take this away from it:
1. Dating really is a bit of a game but relationships shouldn't be. I knew this before, but it was reinforced now.
2. Don't fear asking the questions that matter. Only you are to blame for not asking them or confronting things.
3. If he shy's away from questions, don't fear being the nag, keep asking. If you have to feel naggy, he's probably hiding something and better to know then & follow your instinct than to prolong it.
4. Communication is paramount.
5. Intellectual compatibility to an extent, so necessary. Don't settle. And don't let yourself be smarter.
6. Don't allow a person liking you be the reason you like them. Don't. Make sure you like them on their own first, then decide whether or not to accept the advances...
7. (This is one I'm going to have to work on) Don't let the actions of one person, things you could not control, create a fear in you about what others will do to you. You can't always have perfect intuition, but trust that this happened for a reason, to teach me something about my own intuition and prepare me for the right thing. Remember that these are the actions of him, not something that I did. Anyone can wrong you but it doesn't change who you are or what you do, even if it's somewhat scary. I am honing my skills and love is about faith. We place our bets, but if we're scared from the action of one person, one screwed up person that I only knew for 3 months and had a feeling about anyway - he practically gave me the answer but I doubted myself. I have learned not to doubt myself as much anymore. I will ask myself that questions but I will have more faith in my own answers. But, I will still be open. I will open up again and I will love, but I will love fully. I'm more hurt because I considered him and his feelings but I felt very unconsidered in the end. Especially, when he slept with me. But that was douchy on his end...little does he know what I did...still doesn't make it better though. I'm mad that he slept with me and might have known it was over. I'm mad that he lied to me the whole time. I'm definitely not happy with his decisions, but they were his and he gets to own them. And, at the end of the day, he hurt me by making them, but they were his...and someone else could make them again and I could be none the wiser and that's scary. It's scary that there are people out there who can do that. But! I think I will know better and I might be a little more guarded now, but I'm going to work really hard not to be. Really hard. I'm going to try to get answers and put him in his little box, tuck him away and throw away the key. This week.
8.
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